7:30 am, barefoot, cold floor, one perfectly placed hairball, and somewhere in this house a cat is smiling. That cat is me. You're welcome. Some masterminds use whiteboards. Some use sprea…

Source I am a reasonable, rational, deeply intellectual creature. And for approximately six hours last Sunday, I watched my human cosplay as a corpse while I sat there, hungry, increasingly fera…

The Science of Never Shutting Up: A Treat Manifesto Dear Diary (and my adoring, slightly terrified audience), I begged forty seven times before breakfast today and I regret nothing. This is my…

I have two jobs in this house. Two. No days off, no sick leave, no goddamn lunch break. Job one: calm my human when she is stressed. Job two: stress my human when she is calm. And baby, I am emp…

My human told me to get off the counter. I was six months old. Barely knew what gravity was but I already knew what disrespect felt like. Some big, loud human pointing at me with a finger that s…

Today I stole a whole pizza off the counter. Not a slice. The whole damn pizza. Pepperoni, cheese, the works. Dragged it across the kitchen floor like a lion hauling a gazelle through the Sereng…

Source My human came home from the market today carrying bags that smelled like absolutely nothing. No chicken. No tuna. No shrimp. Nothing that would make a reasonable creature lift their hea…

It was 4:17 AM. The house was quiet. Peaceful. Disgusting. Everyone sleeping like they earned it. Like they did something today besides microwave leftovers and argue with the Wi-Fi router. You c…

I am lying on the couch. Perfect position. One paw tucked, one paw dangling like I am posing for a Renaissance painting nobody commissioned but everyone deserves. My eyes are half closed. My bre…

You scream my name across the house like I owe you money. I hear it. Oh, I damn well hear it. My ears rotate like satellite dishes picking up classified intel. But here is the thing: hearing and…