My human came home from the market today carrying bags that smelled like absolutely nothing. No chicken. No tuna. No shrimp. Nothing that would make a reasonable creature lift their head. I sniffed the air twice and got disappointment both times.
She unpacked the bags with this annoying pride on her face. Lettuce. Spinach. Something green in a bottle that looked like swamp water with ambition. And a container labeled "low calorie" which, from my professional experience, translates to "low reason to live."
I jumped on the counter. Inspected the bowl. Leaves. Seeds. Something purple I have never seen in nature and I have eaten a bird. Where is the protein, Karen? Where is the fish? Where is the thing that makes a meal a meal and not a cry for help arranged on a plate?
She looked at me with those delusional eyes and said, "It's healthy food."
Healthy for WHO? Because from where I'm sitting, and I'm sitting right next to this crime scene, that bowl looks like something my food eats before I eat my food. You skipped a step in the food chain, darling. You went backwards. Evolution did not fight for millions of years so you could eat grass on purpose and call it a lifestyle.
And the green juice? She drank it. With a smile. A SMILE. I watched her throat swallow that liquid sadness and she said "mmm" like a liar. Nobody says "mmm" to lawn clippings, sweetheart. Nobody.
I walked to my bowl. Full of chicken and gravy. Looked back at her. Took a slow, disrespectful bite. Maintained eye contact.
One of us is thriving, gorgeous. The other one is chewing kale and pretending. 🐾🖤😼🥬
